Monday, July 20, 2015

A Eulogy for Love - Chapter 5

Love seeketh not itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care,
But for another gives its ease,
And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.

William Blake

I used to count the life by the minute while I was with you. I wanted to know how many minutes, hours, days of happiness I had lived. It wasn't many. And now, as I talk to you about all this I place my life at your feet, and forgive me, human as I am if I hurt. How could I not be in pain having loved so much? I love today's misery, and the little happiness of yesterday.

I've felt what it meant to be happy when I confessed my love for you, when I explained how deep and true it was. For me it didn't matter much that it was a love with no tomorrow, a one way street. You were there for me to love and that was enough to make me happy. But, alas, misfortune showed up out of the blue and imposed its own rules, making love withdraw in the dark, so the smile became a tear, and the tear pain.

No one can escape their fate, they say. They say. People talk a lot but know very little. Everybody creates their own destiny all alone, day by day, breath by breath. Don't you agree? Every day we add something to the edifice of our life. If we are going to end up building a palace or a shed it's all up to us.

I truly believe that the lives of all those rational people out there are based on the irrational since they think that if they succeed in something it's because of their intellect, but if they fail that's due to bad luck. They philosophy of life consists of nothing more than a couple of labels.

We were not like that. We took nothing for granted. We did not put labels on things. The only thing we were certain of was that the sun would rise up in the morning and set in the evening, even if we didn't see it. We were different, we were special, six people in one soul that has now almost shrunk to naught.

It's difficult, almost impossible, for one to get used to the idea of your departure. He, that used to go away often and for long has remained, and those who always stayed have departed for a journey with no return. Life is mocking us. Pain is not always bad, sometimes it's even good, it makes us stronger, but it becomes crippling once the threads that bind us are shred to pieces. What joy could follow a pain like this? How could a smile again blossom on my lips? What sun could shed its light on my life's path? What soul could caress mine? Oh, why should I lead a poisonous life?

My very own thoughts sound selfish to me right now. You are gone for good, and this pathetic little man only thinks about himself. True be told though, I have a good excuse. I do what I do and I think what I think because I miss you so. Because I am left all alone. Nature is the only thing that can bring a little bit of comfort at dark times like these.

The cool breath of the air, the cricket's song, the sound of a distant melody, they all shout out to me that life is here and exploding with beauty. I search deep inside of me to find the balsam for this destitute, the lost way to love, to rediscover the ingredients of a happiness that I hardly got to know. I look for all those things but instead I find a mine of memories and images of a past that whisks my days away. I see a lovely face smiling at me and then fading, vanishing into thin air, like a phantom, a playing of light.

Not long before you died I have dreamed of you, this time in my sleep. We were together in a little square at the heart of village that was built with stone. It was crowded, hordes of people all around us, but in my eyes they looked like shadows. I saw you embracing my whole being, kissing me, I heard you saying I will always return to you. This kept happening again and again for a long time. Hugs. Kisses. Words. The very last time though was different. You came to me, embraced me, kissed my eyes and said I live in you and disappeared. Along with you vanished all the shadows and the scenery changed in the blink of an eye. Now I was in a desert. I was surrounded by sand that was painted in a strange red hue. The sun was about to come down in the distant horizon. I followed the path sculpted in the sand by its weakening light, and as the darkness begun to fall a whisper started running almost undetected through the emptiness. A whisper that was getting louder by the minute. I could see no one anywhere, and I couldn't make out what the voices said. This went on all night long and it felt to me that it took the next morning too long to break. I was lost and at a loss when I clearly heard a voice saying The light is gone from his soul. Then I understood, and I woke up, sweaty, scared. I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't come, I wanted to scream but my vocal chords seemed to have frozen stiff. I knew, with a certainty that I couldn't explain, that that nightmare would come to life.

Dawn is upon us. Today is Sunday. I can hear the sound of church bells ringing in the distance. It's time again for me to go, Eleni. I will return tomorrow night to talk to your spirit or whatever there is out there. I want to tell you more. I want to remember even more. I want to break free from the chains of my pain, but also set you free, so that you can wander away from me to some distant skies, unknown to me and to all.

To be continued.

The image was taken from here.

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